I can honestly say I haven't felt this down in a very long time. Ever since the pre-deployment seminar I have tried to busy myself thinking that this deployment is not really happening. Well folks, it is and I am not as ready as I thought I was. How you ask I figured out that I'm not ready?
Well..Bobby is in GRAYLING, MICHIGAN yes he is still in Michigan and I have had nothing but sleepless nights and tearful days. I can not tell you why I am like this and I don't like it one bit. Yesterday I had one of the worst days I have had in awhile. One of those days where anything and everything could go wrong. From the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed I was nothing but a pouty lip and sad, sad eyes. I think a lot of this has to do with not talking to Bobby as much during the day or night for that matter. I forget sometimes that as tough as I want to be, I'm not. He truly is my best friend and a huge importance in my life and not having him there to tell me my bad day is just a day and it will get better was really emotionally draining.
Of course we have all had bad days before so you'll understand what I mean when I say that the littlest thing was a huge production..I was blaming myself for everything and bringing up the all dreaded miscarriages and crying about what a failure I am.
I'm still not sleeping very well and my appetite is shot. Who waits till 5 o'clock to eat their first meal? oh yeah me. You know my mind is now jumping back to wow you didn't eat all day and your trying so relgiously to get pregnant. nice. job.
please for the love of everything perfect someone take me out of my own head.
I have my consultation for our AI (artifical insemination) tomorrow afternoon and i'm just not in the mood. I don't want to talk about the second most depressing thing going on in my life.
Am I patethic or what? Don't worry I am making myself gag just by typing this all.
On the one and only upside to this week here is two pictures of two beautiful girls that I call my neighbors. Miss Laila and Miss Alana!
nevermind..blogger doesn't want to post pictures.
Showing posts with label Pity Party. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pity Party. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Not me Monday
I can't sleep. I am so tired but can't sleep. My teeth still don't feel better and they were supposed to. Its been a week. I have holes in the back of my mouth that (sorry this is disgusting) food gets stuck in causing me insane amounts of pain and now I have to use a syringe full of salt water to "un-plug" the holes. Not exactly an attractive thing to do..nor do I want to do this after each and every meal. I can't chew hard food anymore..maybe i'm still healing.
You don't realize how much you really use the back of your mouth while eating. I can not find a single bathing suit that I love. We set a certain amount of money aside for the things we wanted to buy prior to our big trip aka a few new suits. Now its a week and a few days away and I can't seem to pick one out. I give running out of time a new meaning.
Since this is my blog and I decide what to write I am going to allow myself to write another long, long paragraph about how frusterating it is when you are trying to make a baby and everyone else around you could do it on any given day and get pregnant but not YOU. We literally take four steps forward and six steps back. I'm tired of circling dates on the calender that I am ovulation only to cross them right back out because my period decide to take a vacation that month. This is what a conversation in my head is like on a daily-no HOURLY basis is like.
real me: I don't even want to be pregnant. I have such a flat stomach and I love not feeling nauseas!
mind me: is that a stomach cramp you have? you have GOT to be pregnant! whats that your tired at 4:34pm on a Thursday afternoon? Your pregnant! Your stomach is growling at 6am? you are SO pregnant. Ridculous much? I also find that I am trying to make 'deals' with God. example; " Okay, if I give up coffee, take my vitamens, promise to stop swaring, no more Eminem music when i'm mad, when a patient really makes me mad I won't walk out of the room with a smile on my face and than say something really rude about them to the other MA's do you think you can give us a baby then?"
I think I have touched on the relgion subject a few times on here but its just not a big part of our lives. So that fact that I am trying to make a deal with someone who I honestly don't worship on a regular basis is wrong. I know.
I read about not-me-mondays months ago and never really thought of doing them..until today. So here it goes. -I did not completley 100% milk going to the dentist today just to get some extra loving from the husband. -I also did not use the fact that there was a few inches of snow on the ground as an excuse to hibernate in my house all day. -I didn't eat frosting out of the jar today because I couldn't force myself to chew on anything relitivley healthy. Not me miss I leave for Florida in one week and need to look excellent in a swin suit! -Oh and it is definitly not me who is semi enjoying not being able to consume solid food so I can have a flat stomach for Florida. Not me miss I want to get pregnant so I better eat healthy.
On this note...I am going to do my best to fall asleep.
You don't realize how much you really use the back of your mouth while eating. I can not find a single bathing suit that I love. We set a certain amount of money aside for the things we wanted to buy prior to our big trip aka a few new suits. Now its a week and a few days away and I can't seem to pick one out. I give running out of time a new meaning.
Since this is my blog and I decide what to write I am going to allow myself to write another long, long paragraph about how frusterating it is when you are trying to make a baby and everyone else around you could do it on any given day and get pregnant but not YOU. We literally take four steps forward and six steps back. I'm tired of circling dates on the calender that I am ovulation only to cross them right back out because my period decide to take a vacation that month. This is what a conversation in my head is like on a daily-no HOURLY basis is like.
real me: I don't even want to be pregnant. I have such a flat stomach and I love not feeling nauseas!
mind me: is that a stomach cramp you have? you have GOT to be pregnant! whats that your tired at 4:34pm on a Thursday afternoon? Your pregnant! Your stomach is growling at 6am? you are SO pregnant. Ridculous much? I also find that I am trying to make 'deals' with God. example; " Okay, if I give up coffee, take my vitamens, promise to stop swaring, no more Eminem music when i'm mad, when a patient really makes me mad I won't walk out of the room with a smile on my face and than say something really rude about them to the other MA's do you think you can give us a baby then?"
I think I have touched on the relgion subject a few times on here but its just not a big part of our lives. So that fact that I am trying to make a deal with someone who I honestly don't worship on a regular basis is wrong. I know.
I read about not-me-mondays months ago and never really thought of doing them..until today. So here it goes. -I did not completley 100% milk going to the dentist today just to get some extra loving from the husband. -I also did not use the fact that there was a few inches of snow on the ground as an excuse to hibernate in my house all day. -I didn't eat frosting out of the jar today because I couldn't force myself to chew on anything relitivley healthy. Not me miss I leave for Florida in one week and need to look excellent in a swin suit! -Oh and it is definitly not me who is semi enjoying not being able to consume solid food so I can have a flat stomach for Florida. Not me miss I want to get pregnant so I better eat healthy.
On this note...I am going to do my best to fall asleep.
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