Last post before I will be going insane.

B and I are up north right now. The dogs (and B) are crashed out on the couch and guess who refuses to sit down? Yeah. Me. We went to TC today and sat on the beach for an hour just watching the people, listening to the waves and enjoying being next to each other and not having to say anything; it felt like everything we wanted to say was already being said for us. I can never stop talking and whenever B isn't talking I know I either a) annoyed the crap out of him or b) he's thinking in this circumstance he was thinking, long and hard about everything. This was the last time him and I would be doing our favorite thing in the world...sitting on the lake doing nothing. It was truly bittersweet sitting at lunch today at our favorite TC restaurant.

With that said, it is all hitting me. He leaves next Friday and only comes homes for 48 hours at the end of September enough time to wash everything and say one last goodbye. Most of you may be saying to yourself at least he is coming home..but saying goodbye once is hard enough, having to do it again? The tears have stopped, not sure where they went. Today I should have been a basket case but I just couldn't cry.

I feel bad I haven't gotten as much work done with my photographer (or my regular job for that matter) as I normally do. There is just so much to do. Everyday we have someone to see, someone coming to us, have to do this, sign here, talk about this, do you want to buy this? okay we need to sell both cars and than you need to look for a new one, what about the house? we need to start a list so when I get home we can already have it sold, its 11:30? okay we have to get some sleep...and the countdown continues.

Before meeting Army girlfriends I was so hesitant towards for a number of different shallow, shallow reasons. After meeting a few I couldn't imagine not being their friends. Girlfriend, wife, mother they understand. Its almost like there is a small weight lifted off of my shoulders. I am truly not alone.

...Now with that said, why do I feel like I am the only one having the hardest time with this? I feel like the crazy one because every morning I wake up and think of 10 more days, 9 more days, 8 more days, etc. Shouldn't I be enjoying the time he's here and not focus on how many days we have left? Oh, because I am crazy.

My husband is leaving..when?

No one ever said that the pre deployment process was going to be this tough. I can't tell you the last time I truly slept a full seven-eight hours. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night just to touch B to make sure he is still here. That song by Carrie Underwood 'Just a Dream' came on the radio on my way home the other day and I literally felt like someone was sitting on my chest I found it difficult to breath. How the hell..am I going to do this? I am having nightmare after nightmare. Were down to 15 days until I have to say goodbye. 15 days..typing this out I feel like I am going to vomit everywhere. The thing is we don't have kids and we are each others everything I don't have a baby, or a toddler, or kid running around to distract me from what is happening. I am stuck in my own head 24-7.

I dread the day I have to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to someone you may never see again? I shouldn't think like that but I do. For those of you amazing wives who have already gone through a deployment I am begging you to please not tell me that the war isn't nearly as bad as it was when YOUR husband went. Its still war, my husband is still fighting.

I'm terrified. I feel incredibly alone and weak. Tensions are so high in our house. It has gotten pushed out so many times that its a shock this day is actually approaching.

As I try to write out a letter to my husband I have typed, erased, cried, typed again and still can't find the words to truly convey how much I love him and how proud I am of him.

Hug the one you love the most.

Its August? really?

It is safe to say I am not ready for next month. Its hard to beleive I will be saying goodbye to my bestfriend, husband, maker of the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, dog discipliner, tummy soother, my personal doctor..going on will make me cry more tears than I promised myself I wouldn't shed today.

He's ready. I'm not. Its been a wake up call this month with him being gone so much doing his actual full time Army job, the lonliness is officially kicking in. Working from home is wonderful don't get me wrong but I feel like I am in a prison..I work from home, I do everything from home. The one place that B and I share the most. This is our home. He came home for literally 48 hours this weekend just to sleep in his own bed and relax before he had to pick up and leave again. It is bright, sunny, and hot outside but I feel so empty. The house is so quiet, I promise you the only that is keeping me going is having the oppurtunity to take photos of beautiful familes, couples, babies, etc.

No one warned me it was going to be this difficult. Don't get me wrong some days I feel like I can do this. One year? psh. I can do that.

I cried. So incrediably hard my poor husband doesnt handle tears well he's trained to push harder when tears come so he just stares at me. I cried for all the date nights we'll miss, I cried because I can't imagine doing everything without him. Some of you may be thinking why don't you just think of the positive things? Listen..I am having a negative day so I am going to be negative. Tomorrow will be better it always is. I'm allowed to have one day a week to be a complete and utter mess about this. At least that is what I am allowing myself to have..one day.

Our basement flooded I am talking gave flooding a whole new meaning. Long story short there was a hole in the backyard from the previous owners and with the amount of rain we have had lately the whole got bigger, and bigger oh yeah and the puppy I have running around who loves to dig. That hole created a wall in my basement to cave in..causing dirt, water, and gunk to form on the basement floor. Of course B is gone. I literally walked down into the basement, opened the door looked, and turned right back around. No gasp, no "OMG", nothing.

It sucks being the husband and wife. Really, really sucks. Go hug your husband. Tell him how much you love him, and how much you appreciate everything he does.

I wish I could leave this house somedays..everything has B written all over it. From the flag on the outside of the house, to every.single.picture with him in it.

Deployments suck. Pre-deployment training sucks. Being lonley sucks.

Welcome back

Okay..I haven't blogged in way to long.

Lets bullet style this baby:

• Remember when I started posting pictures of silly objects? well the silly objects turned into my neighbors kids, than another little girl, than the little girls family, etc..etc..now I am suddenly busy every Saturday and Sunday and some days during the week. I will say I was pretty hesitent towards doing 'photography' at first simply because I felt that I was lying to myself..am I really that good. I know I have a lot of work to do, and even more to learn but so far I am happy to report that I am making some nice cash and feeling really good about the photos I give my 'clients'


• I say 'photography' and 'clients' lightly simply because I don't feel that I am a professional. I have flaws in my planning, my timing, and the way I opertate somethings but I am learning to just roll with it.


• I am sad to say that I had a little bit of a breakdown when I found that there was nasty things being said about my say "photography" I am a huge fan of a lot of peoples work and look up to them in a lot of aspects. In fact when I first got my camera I was more than willing to let others teach me how to operate this thing. I'm happy to say that I have taught myself everything I know. Reading nasty comments about how you can't just pick up a camera and suddenly be a photographer really hurt my feelings and I hate to admit I put my beloved camera back in its case and didn't want anything to do with it. Luckily, I woke up the next morning and discovered that I was bigger than that and I deserve to be good at something to. Facebook comments, and status' really suck sometimes.

- enough about that. were back on the 'photography' train and I am happy about it.

• Remeber that whole baby making issue? well we are still having it. It hasn't been the main discussion in every single thing in my life and I couldn't be happier. We are still trying, and i'm still peeing on ovulation sticks, and circling days on the calender but it hasn't been my every waking thought. Awesome, right?

- On this note, I would just like to one more time say how lucky a lot of women should feel to be able to have babies and get pregnant without even thinking about it. Seriously, thank your lucky stars. There is a a lot of us who would kill to wake up in the middle of the night, be nauseas all day long, etc.

• The husband and I are wonderful seems like ever since we got home from Disney we are a whole different couple. I truly love that man with everything in me, I love the people we have become and espacially the womene I have become because of him. It feels like yesterday that I was moving out and moving into my own apartment ready to start this single, indepentant life..luckily Bobby swung his head back around and stuck around ;) now I am a house wife I never thought I could be..I mean really, I can cook? really good meals? where did this come from?


• Ew, the deployment. Its coming way soonier than I want it to. We say goodbye in September. I started helping the FRG and I think it is so good for me. I'm planning the family picnic along with a few wonderful ladies..were going to blow it out of the park!


• We are leaving for Mackinaw on Tuesday. Our last family vacation, which I am sure will be bittersweet on the way home. I still can't beleive I have to survive a year without Bobby..

I'm feeling good, were doing good. I can honestly say that as rough and trying the last year has been I can finally see that everything is happening for a reason. You all know how not religous I am but I am seeing that there is a bigger plan for us..weird.

Check it out!

www.polly-grady-photography.blogspot.com

Check out the photography site!

Hello!

WOW! I haven't updated this thing in forever..sorry everyone who does read this. I would love to say I have been busy and haven't had a second to blog but...I haven't been that busy. Were bullet pointing this post today!

• Our propane tank got 'locked'. Intresting story; when we got it filled last I never received a bill from them struck me as odd but being the irresponsible person I am I never paid it..well they didn't care how they got to my back yard (which is fenced off with a fence you can't exactly hop over) they were locking my tank. Needless to say we got the situation all figured out and we can now cook and if needed turn our heat on.


• My dryer is completley 100% broken. Don't ask me how but it just won't do anything. Awesome. I just bought a new washer! I should have just bought them both at the same time. Thankfully I have awesome parents who are on vacation this week and I will be taking over their laundry room. Until I feel I can't take it anymore and go drop $500 on a new dryer. Ick.


• I AM WORKING FROM HOME three days a week :) and I couldn't be happier! Transcriptiatons despertly need to be done at our office so I get to save gas, not force my dogs to be locked up all day, and finally have a clean house again. All is well (in that department atleast)


• I have been using my camera more and more and getting paid for it! Not a lot but enough to collect and pay off some bills. I look forward to shooting more and more.


• Husband is doing great getting super buff. ;) We both have great tans going and it definitly helps boost the mood I have been in lately. With the pollen literally laying on every inch of the world I feel like my eyes are going to pop right out if I itch them anymore and my heart might just stop if I continue this sneeze act I have going on. Add on the ridculous amount of money we are spending to fix things that keep breaking i'm glad I have a good tan to look at to make me feel better!

Heres my NEW website...check it out :)

www.zenfolio.com/pollygradyphotography

Staying positive

Dear Lord,
Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me. Give me understanding that I may know when duty calls him he must go. Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away.When he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. When duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield. And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong.
Amen.

Terriable, horriable, no good, very bad day

I can honestly say I haven't felt this down in a very long time. Ever since the pre-deployment seminar I have tried to busy myself thinking that this deployment is not really happening. Well folks, it is and I am not as ready as I thought I was. How you ask I figured out that I'm not ready?
Well..Bobby is in GRAYLING, MICHIGAN yes he is still in Michigan and I have had nothing but sleepless nights and tearful days. I can not tell you why I am like this and I don't like it one bit. Yesterday I had one of the worst days I have had in awhile. One of those days where anything and everything could go wrong. From the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed I was nothing but a pouty lip and sad, sad eyes. I think a lot of this has to do with not talking to Bobby as much during the day or night for that matter. I forget sometimes that as tough as I want to be, I'm not. He truly is my best friend and a huge importance in my life and not having him there to tell me my bad day is just a day and it will get better was really emotionally draining.
Of course we have all had bad days before so you'll understand what I mean when I say that the littlest thing was a huge production..I was blaming myself for everything and bringing up the all dreaded miscarriages and crying about what a failure I am.
I'm still not sleeping very well and my appetite is shot. Who waits till 5 o'clock to eat their first meal? oh yeah me. You know my mind is now jumping back to wow you didn't eat all day and your trying so relgiously to get pregnant. nice. job.
please for the love of everything perfect someone take me out of my own head.

I have my consultation for our AI (artifical insemination) tomorrow afternoon and i'm just not in the mood. I don't want to talk about the second most depressing thing going on in my life.
Am I patethic or what? Don't worry I am making myself gag just by typing this all.

On the one and only upside to this week here is two pictures of two beautiful girls that I call my neighbors. Miss Laila and Miss Alana!

nevermind..blogger doesn't want to post pictures.

Pre-Deployment Seminar

Saturday morning our alarm went off at 4:30am..We drove all the way to Dearborn in our cute matching outfits (yes were that couple) me with a pink and orange dress and the hubs with a orange shirt. so cute. Anyway, I was excited on our way there to find out information about the deployment..boy was I wrong. Everything they discussed was either about kids, being pregnant, or everything that you should already know when you marry into this life. Bobby and I found that we were playing games on the iPad more than listening. The one and oly upside to going was the amount of people I met. I met all of his medics that respect the crap out of him and it was awesome. I didn't have to lift a finger they all did everything for me which was so great!

Drill has taken Bobby away for the week and I have a surprise up my sleeve while he's away! He HATES our bathroom I made the stupid mistake of painting it this dark purple color with glitter and grainte mixers that make the wall bumpy. Now it would look so cute if I would have taken more than an hour to paint it. So I am re-doing our bathroom to a certain extent. Fingers crossed he's pleased..I'll post pictures soon enough.

I am having the hardest time with my memory card in my Rebel. I went to my wonderful neighbors house last week to take newborn pictures for her and they were turning out great..until I got home and plugged them into my computer only to find that my card needed to be formatted and all my pictures were gone? awesome. thankfully 70% of my pictures that were saved to that card were already off of it. Lets hope for the best with this new memory card.

Its the little things

I am trying this new things this week were I actually go to work on time and stay all day long. Weird, huh?
I work in a really nice but quiet doctors office and we sometimes have to many people there and it makes your motivation level drop dramtically. This week we have our two main office admin. women gone and I have been kind of taking over their job plus doing mine which not only makes the day go by 10x faster but makes me feel like I am actually doing something important. Along with that I am hoping to save more money to help towards our infertility savings. With those two things in mind I am hoping for a nice pay check.

Going off of that. Staying at work until 5 causes me not to get home until around 6-6:30 give or take if I have to stop. Bobby has been working his ass off lately between working all day and going to the gym for atleast an hour-two at night. He's beating me home now which not only causes me to feel bad that I

1. haven't made the bed.


2. haven't even thought about dinner.


3. Odie probably made a mess in his crate and Dylan probably made a mess in the house.

all the little things that normally go unnoticed because I already had them done before even got home..aren't done. Tonight he got home atleast three hours before me and I do NOT mind making dinner and running around the house when I get home. Back to the main point of this post. All I wanted to do was watching last nights season finale of Bethenny Ever After and do you know what my wonderful husband did? Let his dinner get cold and made me the best margarita ever.

Maybe that means nothing to anyone else but to me it meant a lot. Its the little things that normal civilan wives take advantage of but for me it was the simpliest thing that made my 13 hour day worth it.

Deployment news!

Lets just say starting this morning off was rough. I didn't want to go back to work Bobby didn't want to go back, the dogs were mad, the cats were mad, my bed was mad that it didn't have me sleeping in it..it was just a mad morning. The harley is SOLD for a few extra hundred dollars that is re-building our savings account from emptying it at Disney.

Anyway, back to the big deployment news!

drum roll please...

HIS DEPLOYMENT GOT PUSHED OUT! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WILL NOT BE LEAVING UNTIL SEPTEMBER! Yes, I am so, so, so, happy. However..like I posted last I said I was kind of ready for this. I am all about beleving in signs and something about this deployment getting pushed out tells me that maybe there IS a baby in our future.

As far as the infertility journey goes...were just waiting. After talking to my thearpist we decided that I need to have a plan with our inf. docs. I'll let you know next week what the plan will be.

Bobby and I have been going back and forth with trying IVF. Thoughts would be nice on that...

I am so excited that I am finding more and more bloggers who are blogging and not posting pictures everywhere. No offense to the beautiful photography that some blogs I follow have but I see happy families with beautiful babies everyday..give me something to read.

On that note...Military spouses out there you ladies are wonderful!

BIG DISNEY POST!

So were home from Disney tan and tired and not ready to end vacation. We were the adults stomping our feet while exiting the park on Thursday night. For the sake of my dedication to my blog I am going to try and recap everything I can remember. Starting with Day one at Disney World!

These pictures are in the wrong order but they all consist of day one/day two (Disney) We flew into Orlando around 1am on Saturday and by the time we got our rental car (waiting in the longest and hottest line) and got to the condo it was around 3am..after Bobby had worked all day and I ran around trying to pack..yes I waited till the day we left to pack. Immediatly we took showers and went to sleep. Saturday we woke up around 11:30 which is SO odd for me tired or not I hate waking up that late I feel like my whole day is wasted than I remembered that I am on vacation and I can do whatever I want.

We lounged around the pool all day and than had a quiet dinner, and stopped at the local VFW (Veterans of Foreign Wars) which of course was full of the cutest elderly couples. We were welcomed and Bobby got his hand shook by everyone in the place so after a few beers we headed home.

DISNEY DISNEY DISNEY! Also known as my BIRTHDAY!

I was up at 4:30am ladies..I have never been so excited. This was my first time at Disney world and my first birthday that Bobby has actually been home to celebrate. I waited until our 7:30 alaram clock went off to jump out of bed and wake Bobby up. Of course this was after I had already showered, gotten dressed, had coffee and breakfest, watched a few info-commercials, and gotten back under the covers so he thought I was sleeping...sneaky much? I rushed Bobby out the door and could barley sit still in the car. I won't bore you with the details of our whole entire 12 hour day at Disney but lets just say I fell asleep the second we hit the car at the end of the night. It was a wonderfu; birthday and nice to celebrate with my best friend at our new favorite place.

Since blogger has decided to not let me upload pictures anymore we will just leave it at we had a wonderful vacation and it brought us back to a happier place where deployments and infertility didn't consume our entire life.

On to the normal life...

I talked to a thearpist the Friday before we left. When my doctor first mentioned it to me I thought no, no, no, no, no thearpists are for people who can't keep their emotions in check. Well, I have become one of those people. When I walked into her office I could barley sit down before I started spilling everything out and it felt wonderful to talk to a middle person who wasn't my husband, who wasn't my mom, who wasn't anyone close to me..just someone who wanted to help me get back to me. I guess I didn't realize what infertility and deployments can do to your mind. I am now talking to her twice a month until Bobby leaves and than we will go to once a week until I'm okay..as I can be.

Speaking of deployments..holy shit its almost July. Were going to a yellow ribbon ceremony this weekend to meet all the families. Frankly, I think i'm ready is that even possiable?

I'm sleeping so deep at night but somehow when I wake up and get my day started I can't wake up..and than by 6-7pm I am exhausted.

On that note, i'm heading to bed.

Happy May everyone!

IPad post

I have to say that blogging from an iPad is not the easiest thing to do. BUT we are safely in Florida! and I couldn't be more relaxed. I suddenly have this huge fear of flying so last night flying out my stomach was nothing but nervous. thankfully Bobby calmed me down by making fun of the mass amount of people in the airport who were just ridculous. the anticipation is what kills me once we are in the air I'm fine although wea hit so much turberlance we took our seat belts off maybe. once. so after having a rough landing around midnight we stove in the HOTTEST line to get our cute little prieus that yes I requested! after waiting for an hour in line we finally got to the car. now ask me how long it took us to figure out how to turn the car on? since it's a hybrid and all that stuff you have to oust a button, hold this, do that just to start the car! but after driving 45 minutes To our condo the gas Gage didn't even move and that is why I requested it.

yes it is noon and we are just rolling out of bed! it feels good to not have an agenda this week. I Promised Bobby I would do my best to justbfly by the seat of my pants. I'll post tonight with some details of our first day! stay warm Michigan :)

Introducing Baby Alana all 4ibs. 8 oz. of her! Congratulations Dan and Nina!

Baby Alana born on April 14th!

:)

Easter in the Dirty D!

We spent Saturday in Detroit having Easter with Bobby's family. Thankfully it was such a beautiful and warm night we got to walk downtown. I've having some issues with my camera lately my shutter doesnt seem to be going as fast and beleive me i've tried everything that I know how to do and NOTHING is working...so all you Canon Rebel users out there please HELP! Anyway here is some shots from downtown..i'm not happy with them but they'll do.

Infertility A to Z

A. Age when you started TTC?: I was 19, he was 25.

B. Baby dancing or sex?: Sexy time!

C. Children wanted: I say 4 he says 3. I hate odd numbers and he hates evens.

D. Dogs, cats, fill in children: Two dogs (Dylan and Odie) and two cats (Pumpkin and Waffles)

E. Essential Oils, vitamins, snake oils: I've been taking pre-natals forever. I have switched it up a few times but over all the same thing.

F. Fertility meds I've taken: More things to jump start my period, stop my period, etc. We'll find out what they want to put me on next week!

G. Gain: What have I gained from infertility? : STRESS. Some pateince not much.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Just have one!

I. Infertile pet peeves: Oh I have SO many. "be pateint, you're so young!" Seeing everyone get pregnant and trying to be happy for them. "Maybe if you just stop thinking about it it'll happen!"

J. Job title: Medical assistant

K. Kids names you're agrraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Bobby's middle name Aldon. It has already been taken though. I'm sure our girls names have been too but just in case they haven't i'll keep them to myself

L. Length of time TTC: Two years

M. Miscarriages: Two...

N. Number of times you've switched OB/GYNs, REs, FSs: Ha! I have to really think about this one. I'm going to say we have literally gone through every single OB at Alleigance..so maybe 4-5.

O. Ovarian quality: Excellent

P. POAS or wait for AF: (for my non-trying friends, POAS is "peeing on a stick" and AF is "aunt flow") I am slowly leaning towards waiting for AF. Tired of dissapointment.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "how old are you? Oh my! Sweetie you're so young. Just give it time!"

S. Sperm: As far as we know they are in great condition.

T. Time you tried naturally: One year before going to INF.

U. Uterus quality: Again, excellent.

V. Vagina: Boerd.

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Got rid of everything after the first loss.

X. Extra, extra hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey: I'm not very shy about it. I share with all.

Y. Yearly exam ( do you still go in even though someone sees your parts most months?): Absolutley!

Z. Zits: thankfully out of all the medications NONE of them have caused me to break out!

Not me Monday

I can't sleep. I am so tired but can't sleep. My teeth still don't feel better and they were supposed to. Its been a week. I have holes in the back of my mouth that (sorry this is disgusting) food gets stuck in causing me insane amounts of pain and now I have to use a syringe full of salt water to "un-plug" the holes. Not exactly an attractive thing to do..nor do I want to do this after each and every meal. I can't chew hard food anymore..maybe i'm still healing.

You don't realize how much you really use the back of your mouth while eating. I can not find a single bathing suit that I love. We set a certain amount of money aside for the things we wanted to buy prior to our big trip aka a few new suits. Now its a week and a few days away and I can't seem to pick one out. I give running out of time a new meaning.

Since this is my blog and I decide what to write I am going to allow myself to write another long, long paragraph about how frusterating it is when you are trying to make a baby and everyone else around you could do it on any given day and get pregnant but not YOU. We literally take four steps forward and six steps back. I'm tired of circling dates on the calender that I am ovulation only to cross them right back out because my period decide to take a vacation that month. This is what a conversation in my head is like on a daily-no HOURLY basis is like.
real me: I don't even want to be pregnant. I have such a flat stomach and I love not feeling nauseas!
mind me: is that a stomach cramp you have? you have GOT to be pregnant! whats that your tired at 4:34pm on a Thursday afternoon? Your pregnant! Your stomach is growling at 6am? you are SO pregnant. Ridculous much? I also find that I am trying to make 'deals' with God. example; " Okay, if I give up coffee, take my vitamens, promise to stop swaring, no more Eminem music when i'm mad, when a patient really makes me mad I won't walk out of the room with a smile on my face and than say something really rude about them to the other MA's do you think you can give us a baby then?"

I think I have touched on the relgion subject a few times on here but its just not a big part of our lives. So that fact that I am trying to make a deal with someone who I honestly don't worship on a regular basis is wrong. I know.

I read about not-me-mondays months ago and never really thought of doing them..until today. So here it goes. -I did not completley 100% milk going to the dentist today just to get some extra loving from the husband. -I also did not use the fact that there was a few inches of snow on the ground as an excuse to hibernate in my house all day. -I didn't eat frosting out of the jar today because I couldn't force myself to chew on anything relitivley healthy. Not me miss I leave for Florida in one week and need to look excellent in a swin suit! -Oh and it is definitly not me who is semi enjoying not being able to consume solid food so I can have a flat stomach for Florida. Not me miss I want to get pregnant so I better eat healthy.

On this note...I am going to do my best to fall asleep.

DIY

I'll be honest I have thought about blogging for a about a week now and just have no motivation to actually type everything out. So lets recap! I got all FOUR wisdom teeth out and it was hell. Let me rephrase..it was more than hell. I thought I would be out for 1-2 days and then be back and ready to go...no not so much. I woke up yesterday and finally was feeling like I could open my mouth and eat more than pudding and chicken noodle soup. Here's the run down from the wisdom teeth extravaganza. Monday I went in with my mom nervous as all can be I have only been put under once and I was having surgery on my nose so you can imagine the anxiety I was having about this. Everything went great I woke up and went home laid around all day and enjoyed my mom taking care of me. Now Monday night of course I was in some pain but nothing to drastic. I then notice that there is stitches in my mouth oh and one of them came out. Cue Tuesday when I drive my still puffy face back to the oral surgeon get all sorts of numbed and a brand new set of stitches put inside of my mouth. Awesome. Oh did I mention both Bobby and I were out of town for a week? So the first time we see each other (Tuesday) my face is huge, I'm starving, crappy, and just plan NOT feeling like a big homecoming. Wednesday, I'm feeling okay, still puffy, still sore, and still can hardly speak. Lucky me I have an infertility appt to follow up on blood work, my HSG test, etc. Turns out this girl is perfectly fine. Not a thing is wrong with anything in the baby making department. Awesome. I was sent on my way with instructions to have lots and lots of sexy time. I walked in with such a bad attitude I think anything that they would have told me would have been the end of the world to me. I am SO happy that nothing is wrong with me but on the other hand I wanted to walk in there and be told this is whats wrong, this is how we are going to fix it, and this is when you will be pregnant. Obviously things don't work that way. Thursday I am feeling ready to go back to work. BOY WAS I WRONG! I walk in with a wonderful greeting from my co-workers who missed me dearly and were quite worried. I didn't even make it thru lunch until yet another stitch pops out..now I am driving 45 minutes home, stopping at the dentist, and still not able to enjoy any sort of solid food. Friday I worked all day and was finally feeling back to myself. Which brings us to yesterday!

Now you may ask yourself why are you waiting till months before Bobby leaves to re-do your bedroom, and bathroom oh and somehow buy a new car, and sell a motorcycle? Because frankly that's just how the Gradys do things.

So yes we are FINALLY re-doing our bedroom the one room in the house that is specifically designed for US and we haven't touched it. I don't know if I have ever blogged about our adventures in DIY things but lets just say we don't see eye to eye on a lot of the home improvement things. Furniture we most of the time agree on and if we don't I normally just give and say fine get whatever. -Now let me pause this story and input a quick story. When we were first looking for houses we found a BEAUTIFUL, extremely low price, and in good enough condition that we could have taken out another loan and made it into something amazing. Well stubborn old me didn't want anything to do with re-doing anything. So we walked away. Mind you this house was 4-5 bedroom, 3 bath, in the city, great back yard, nice neighborhood, and close to everything we need. Complete opposite of what we have now. (don't get me wrong we made a good choice with this house too) Since we walked away Bobby never lets me forget the house that we could be in. We drive by it from time to time and then family that bought it did a beautiful job. I mean who would want a house with so many things a new family needs for $78,000?! Oh yeah, me.

Back to yesterday- After wandering around Art Van for what felt like days we settled on a bedroom set. Threw it on lay away because of course nothing is available until the end of May so why drop all that money for something we can't have now? Outlasts that's what I was thinking..not so much the husband. We got into the car and he immediately wanted to know why we didn't take the floor sample. Long story, semi short we did NOT agree on a thing. So we are back to square one.

Oh and we leave for disney in 12 DAYS! Happy Sunday

SHS!

1. Time 2. Poetry

3. Outside 4. Zoom

5. Isolation

BIG Sunday Post

- I took this picture today not really even meaning to. This is my favorite part of him his BIG arms, and the tattoos, his strong hands. He's just such a stud.

There is something about not having any plans during the weekend that make me SO happy. Nothing like sleeping in, and enjoying a cup of coffee while catching up on your DVR'ed shows. Throw in some random errands and our weekend was so relaxing.

- We leave for Flordia in about three weeks (give or take) I am SO excited. We decided to fly there which excites me even more. It has been awhile since I have been on a plane and it will be a nice adventure for the two of us. We have such a busy couple of weeks coming up its exhausting to even think about. Battle training for him in Ohio, I have to babysit for a week in AA, I finally my HSG test, and I get my wisdom teeth out. Unfortuantley all of these "medical procedures" I have to go through Bobby will be out of town.

- Does match.com have a friend finder? I am having the worst time finding some good friends. (Kaitlynn not directed towards you; as a matter of fact all of my friends shouldn't even be questioning if I am talking about them or not.) I think partly this is my fault, I have a few friends who are pregnant and not married, but in some sort of 'relationship' it annoys me that everyone is getting pregnant..apperently its the thing to do now. Who knew?! Either way...I love my mom and she truly has become a very best friend to me. But there is certain things I just can't talk about my mom with..plus it helps to hear other peoples problems as well.

- Deployment is getting closer and it makes me sick. I am now to the angry stage. Imagine hands on hips, face all red, and stomping my feet all throughout the house. I'm mad at the Army for making him go, I'm mad that he has to go, and I am even mad that he wants to go. I know he loves his country, he signed up for this, I knew what I was marrying into, blah,blah,blah..I can still be mad.

- Did I mention we are going to Florida and I AM SO FREAKIN' EXCITED!

- Army Wives..anyone watching it? please tell me why I am watching it? Espacially tonights episode. I am dying to find out whose dead. How awful is that.

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

1. Things that make you go hmm..

- Bobby's tattoos always amaze me. They are so beautiful..in a manly way of course!

2. Me time.

3. Decay

- The fence my neighbor and I share is slowly falling apart yet neither one of us want to take care of it!

4. Kitchen

- The favorite part of my kitchen is my coffee cup cabinet!

5. Groups of three

Long overdue..

So..

We are going to Disney! I am so excited! I have never been and we wanted to do something really fun and special for our last big trip before Bobby takes off. We are driving...figured it would be more of an adventure there is no rush and we can stop in the cute towns we see.

As far the infertility stuff goes..we have been a hault. I was on the medication to jump start my period and it did nothing. I got an ultrasound this morning and minutes after I started spotting! So we are back on the inf. train. From now until the end of March I will have had my blood drawn about 3-5 times, peed on an ovulation stick every morning till we get a +, and will have iodine travel thru my tubes to see how everything is falling. Please, please wish us luck and pray. My ultrasound today went well. The women was wonderful! I have had such a bad experience with my tech in the past so I was a tad nervous. As far as my results okay...my lining is thicker than normal so I am on yet another medication to make me TMI bleed heavier, and cramp more heavily..awesome. My biggest concerns right now are that we are going to go thru all of this and find nothing wrong with me that it really was my stress and worries that caused those miscarriages..then I think I know there is women out there way more stressed out than I am.

You may be thinking to yourself..Your crazy to get pregnant while your husband is at war..well yes, I guess I am.

Bobby has been wonderful. He can sense how much of a toll all of this crap is taking on me. He has been helping out around the house and even snuggles me..yes ladies he even snuggles me.

We have had a few conversations about what to do when he gets home..and we are thinking going active may be the best option. Meaning we would move out of MI ( no bases here in MI) and move to where ever they tell us to move..so far, I have no objections to it except for my family. I am so close with my mom and my brother, dad and teach me to do "man" things. So moving to say Texas..is kind of a big step. I know it will be good for Bobby and I though. Even better for his career.

My Shit List

1. 
   All of the women who think that marrying someone in the military is a free ride, a fun time if you will.
2. Tricare for completley screweing me on my dental coverage. Now I have to wait three weeks to get my wisdom teeth out that seriously need out.
3. All of the OBGYN who didn't listen to me. Just because I am not pregnant doesn't mean I am not a good patient. Also, just because I am young dosen't mean I don't have insurance..Because I do.
4. My period. Where are you? I am tired of being on this medication.
5. My stomach. It hurts, and no one can do anything about it.
6. The Army. You have made me feel like a single women. I go to bed alone, come home alone, etc.
7. I LOVE my dogs. But I brought home some old stuffed toys from my parents house today..and they were torn apart within 5 minutes.
8. Bills. Need I say more?
9. The water problem in my basement that is probably going to cost me thousands of dollars to fix.
10. My blackberry. It doesn't hold a charge.
    

I am annoyed.

I'm annoyed.

I'm annoyed because ever since commercials for this cute, tear jerking new show Coming Home started previewing on Lifetime suddenly everyone supports the troops. I could be wrong..I could very well just be overreacting. But for those who are just SO excited for this show..you'll notice they talk about Iraq a lot..that's because this "show" was on you tube last year. News flash..wars in Afghanistan now. On that note, my husband is trudging around in the rain, snow, and mud training for this war that you all are getting a kick out of watching everyone "coming home" from.

On a harsher note I may have bitched and moaned from day one about Bobby being in the Army but I support him 100% and I couldn't be more proud. Here is a quick bullet point.

• If your husband is going to Afghanistan in a few months..maybe you should get your head out of your ass and accept it.
• Cheating ruins more than your marriage. Quit making all of us faithful wives look bad.
• (Kaitlynn this is not directed towards you :) ) When your boyfriend does call you for a few hours..step into someones shoes who doesn't know if/when she'll hear from her husband.

I'm sorry for the complaining post. I'm just annoyed.

Long, random post.

I haven't blogged in awhile..frankly because I am irritated with the world. I knocked a few people off my blog list, and made this thing private. I can't read about people being pregnant anymore it is killing me. We are at a complete hault with all of this infertility crap. My body just won't have a cycle and I am on this medication that makes me sicker than a dog and I have lost all since of an appetite. In the last three weeks I have lost 5 pounds..not normal for someone who isn't even trying to lose weight. I'm exhausted, I have no motivation to do anything. Work is an obstacle lately. I'm bored with everything, I don't know what the hell I want to do with anything anymore. Not to mention, the all dreaded deployment is creeping. I was getting together schedules this afternoon and Bobby is gone...at least two weeks out of every month until July. He's working out every night until about 8pm..I KNOW he has to work out but by the time he gets home he's exhausted and ready for bed. Leaving me with about 35 minutes of his time and that's me sitting in the bathroom talking to him while he showers, or laying in bed hoping he is still awake hearing me. I have the worst stomach aches in the world and honestly I am at the end of my rope with it. I feel like someone with extremely long acrylic nails is opening me up, and twisting my insides and then slowly letting them loose, and then doing it again 20 minutes later.

I got my cards read on Sunday and I cried because of how right she was. The notes that were taken during my reading were very interesting i'll bullet point a few.

• money conscious, learning to take risks.
• dreamer look to future
• priorities together
• unsure about home
• on guard anti-social
• medical matters
• needs of a child, feeling overwhelmed
• learning about marriage

in a nutshell there was a lot of baby talk and a lot of marriage talk. I got really emotional with the baby comments. I'm learning that I need to just let it go. The one thing this women did say that not only frightened me but made me happy was that our first baby we lost would be coming back within the next three months..freaky? She said a few things about a legal/medical issue that will be dealt with soon. I'm thinking its the DNC that I should have had but the OB I was going to didn't seem to care enough to give me one.I need to chill out and not feel like a failure. Easier said than done. Unfortunately we won't know anything until I have a period, and then getting an HSG test done. On that note, I am tired of waiting...that's all we do..take this pill and wait, take this vitamin and wait, go get your blood drawn, take this test, do this, and wait. Catch my drift?

Bobby and I went away two weekends ago and had such a wonderful weekend. We stayed in Traverse for a night and had the most amazing view of Traverse Bay. It was something we really needed to do. It brought us back to a good spot. I don't care how many years you have been married I think all couples need some time away just you two to get back to being one. I think we sometime lose sight of that.

I have found that a lot of people I haven't talked to in years are reaching out to me about this baby issue. I really, really appreciate the thoughts and concerns.

We've had some new and old friends come in and out of our lives. About a year ago when I was working at the credit union I was training with someone who at the time I didn't think would have such a big impact on me. We joke that we were separated at birth..because we are the exact same person. She is a wonderful mother to a beautiful baby girl. Shes been through hell and back but you would never know. The one thing that I love about Kailtynn is that she never says she is sorry for what's happened to Bobby and I, she doesn't tell me to be patient, nor does she ever tell me that I don't want kids once I have been around a screaming baby. She loves my dogs and my cats, and has a secret crush on my hunky husband. As far as the old friends go..I made a personal choice that I didn't like the things that were said and done..and strings were cut.

A good family friend has a baby this week. Baby Laenie is adorable and I can't get enough of that little girl.

Do me a favor and cross your fingers that things start to move faster. I can't take the wait anymore. Oh, did I mention this physic lady told me there would be three kids in this family..possiably twins?

Colorful!

Happy Valentines Day!

Yesterday I got the opportunity to spend the afternoon with my favorite four year old. I have watched her since she was a few months old. We built a snow man, then knocked it down, we drank hot chocolate and colored a valentine for Bobby. I can't forget to include that Saturday I spent the day with a long long friend who I forgot how much we truly have in common and her daughter Sienna :)

I only have a few minutes so I am going to do a quick bullet point.

• I am all about doing these photo challenges but I am pretty upset that my ideas were stolen. It makes me not want to do them anymore and make my blog private.
• I have ALWAYS hated Valentines day..Nothing good seems to come of it. Last year we went away for the weekend and had our first miscarriage. Need I say more? This year we are just so busy and really not in the mood to celebrate.
• I just saw the cutest Coach diaper bag at Panera. LOVE
• I really hope Dylan isn't getting into the crockpot that is full of roast and potatoes and is making my house smell so, so, so yummy.
• I love Bobby so much. He drives me absolutely nuts but I wouldn't trade him in for anything...okay maybe Dane Cook, and the guy off of Bones. ;)
• We are planning a trip to Florida for my birthday which is coming up quick! He wants to drive..I for one don't think we will make it to Florida in a car without killing each other. His driving is awful..and he claims mine is too.
• Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving at lunch everyday to walk across the street. But I love getting out of the office and having an hour to do whatever I want. Most days its reading or playing in photoshop.
• Speaking of Photoshop..why is everyone except for me so talented using that program. I can do a few things and I think thats just because I 'accidently' stumbled upon them.
• Lastly, I hate that Panera cuts your internet time off at 30 minutes..I have a lot more to do in my other 30 minutes.

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

1. Shadow

2. Pattern/Repetition
3. Bright White
4. Strong Army Strong
5. Warmth

Infertility Appt. One

I'm exhuasted. For silly reasons I was up until very early hours in the morning.

I had my very first INF appt. this afternoon. I am so thrilled with the Docs I am working with. I have THREE wonderful, optimistic, and compassionate Doctors. There is a lot of blood work, a lot of recording, and timing, and making charts..needless to say I have a lot of homework to do. I feel a little bit better about everything. We are finally getting to the bottom of what is causing all of this. I thought I would have more to say about this appt.

I gave up on my photo challege this week. I don't think I can conquer the shoot and edit..I get to frusterated.

On that note I am leaving this short post ending with a backyard covered in footprints!

Five; Love Letters to Kitty Paw

Four

This miscarriage killed us. Bobby and I are so mad at the world right now that its hard for us to even look at each other. We used to talk about what we would do with our kids. Example; we watch bones every night and there was someone on there named 'Dicky' (input immature giggle) I made the mistake of almost saying I would never nickname our chi-...Luckily, the surrond sound was on and he tends to get really into the show so I don't think he heard me.

Three babies..gone, I never got a chance to even meet them. I never used to think about them all that much. (I don't care who you are; if you haven't lost a child you don't know what I am talking about..I also don't care how far along you are. You ARE pregnant and there IS something growing inside of you. So 5 weeks, or 36 weeks..I don't want to hear it.) Last night I had an awful dream..I fell asleep thinking about our first miscarriage and what we went through. I kept thinking that I was laying on the couch just bleeding and 'contracting' and then I ran to the bathroom because I couldn't stand to lay there anymore. When I got up from the toliet I looked at saw..well I won't go into that. It was the worst feeling and I just sank down and cried, and cried for hours. I locked myself in the bathroom because I didn't want Bobby to comfort me. Since that day I don't think either one of us has been the same.

I am challenging myself to get a hobby because I can't keep doing this to myself. I haven't thought about Bobby's deployment in a few days..which is a big step. That is why you will be seeing all sorts of photographic stuff.

Sorry about the depressing, TMI post.

Three; Shoot and Edit

This weeks theme hearts.