My husband is leaving..when?

No one ever said that the pre deployment process was going to be this tough. I can't tell you the last time I truly slept a full seven-eight hours. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night just to touch B to make sure he is still here. That song by Carrie Underwood 'Just a Dream' came on the radio on my way home the other day and I literally felt like someone was sitting on my chest I found it difficult to breath. How the hell..am I going to do this? I am having nightmare after nightmare. Were down to 15 days until I have to say goodbye. 15 days..typing this out I feel like I am going to vomit everywhere. The thing is we don't have kids and we are each others everything I don't have a baby, or a toddler, or kid running around to distract me from what is happening. I am stuck in my own head 24-7.

I dread the day I have to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to someone you may never see again? I shouldn't think like that but I do. For those of you amazing wives who have already gone through a deployment I am begging you to please not tell me that the war isn't nearly as bad as it was when YOUR husband went. Its still war, my husband is still fighting.

I'm terrified. I feel incredibly alone and weak. Tensions are so high in our house. It has gotten pushed out so many times that its a shock this day is actually approaching.

As I try to write out a letter to my husband I have typed, erased, cried, typed again and still can't find the words to truly convey how much I love him and how proud I am of him.

Hug the one you love the most.

Its August? really?

It is safe to say I am not ready for next month. Its hard to beleive I will be saying goodbye to my bestfriend, husband, maker of the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, dog discipliner, tummy soother, my personal doctor..going on will make me cry more tears than I promised myself I wouldn't shed today.

He's ready. I'm not. Its been a wake up call this month with him being gone so much doing his actual full time Army job, the lonliness is officially kicking in. Working from home is wonderful don't get me wrong but I feel like I am in a prison..I work from home, I do everything from home. The one place that B and I share the most. This is our home. He came home for literally 48 hours this weekend just to sleep in his own bed and relax before he had to pick up and leave again. It is bright, sunny, and hot outside but I feel so empty. The house is so quiet, I promise you the only that is keeping me going is having the oppurtunity to take photos of beautiful familes, couples, babies, etc.

No one warned me it was going to be this difficult. Don't get me wrong some days I feel like I can do this. One year? psh. I can do that.

I cried. So incrediably hard my poor husband doesnt handle tears well he's trained to push harder when tears come so he just stares at me. I cried for all the date nights we'll miss, I cried because I can't imagine doing everything without him. Some of you may be thinking why don't you just think of the positive things? Listen..I am having a negative day so I am going to be negative. Tomorrow will be better it always is. I'm allowed to have one day a week to be a complete and utter mess about this. At least that is what I am allowing myself to have..one day.

Our basement flooded I am talking gave flooding a whole new meaning. Long story short there was a hole in the backyard from the previous owners and with the amount of rain we have had lately the whole got bigger, and bigger oh yeah and the puppy I have running around who loves to dig. That hole created a wall in my basement to cave in..causing dirt, water, and gunk to form on the basement floor. Of course B is gone. I literally walked down into the basement, opened the door looked, and turned right back around. No gasp, no "OMG", nothing.

It sucks being the husband and wife. Really, really sucks. Go hug your husband. Tell him how much you love him, and how much you appreciate everything he does.

I wish I could leave this house somedays..everything has B written all over it. From the flag on the outside of the house, to every.single.picture with him in it.

Deployments suck. Pre-deployment training sucks. Being lonley sucks.