Thursday, September 1, 2011

Last post before I will be going insane.

B and I are up north right now. The dogs (and B) are crashed out on the couch and guess who refuses to sit down? Yeah. Me. We went to TC today and sat on the beach for an hour just watching the people, listening to the waves and enjoying being next to each other and not having to say anything; it felt like everything we wanted to say was already being said for us. I can never stop talking and whenever B isn't talking I know I either a) annoyed the crap out of him or b) he's thinking in this circumstance he was thinking, long and hard about everything. This was the last time him and I would be doing our favorite thing in the world...sitting on the lake doing nothing. It was truly bittersweet sitting at lunch today at our favorite TC restaurant.

With that said, it is all hitting me. He leaves next Friday and only comes homes for 48 hours at the end of September enough time to wash everything and say one last goodbye. Most of you may be saying to yourself at least he is coming home..but saying goodbye once is hard enough, having to do it again? The tears have stopped, not sure where they went. Today I should have been a basket case but I just couldn't cry.

I feel bad I haven't gotten as much work done with my photographer (or my regular job for that matter) as I normally do. There is just so much to do. Everyday we have someone to see, someone coming to us, have to do this, sign here, talk about this, do you want to buy this? okay we need to sell both cars and than you need to look for a new one, what about the house? we need to start a list so when I get home we can already have it sold, its 11:30? okay we have to get some sleep...and the countdown continues.

Before meeting Army girlfriends I was so hesitant towards for a number of different shallow, shallow reasons. After meeting a few I couldn't imagine not being their friends. Girlfriend, wife, mother they understand. Its almost like there is a small weight lifted off of my shoulders. I am truly not alone.

...Now with that said, why do I feel like I am the only one having the hardest time with this? I feel like the crazy one because every morning I wake up and think of 10 more days, 9 more days, 8 more days, etc. Shouldn't I be enjoying the time he's here and not focus on how many days we have left? Oh, because I am crazy.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

My husband is leaving..when?

No one ever said that the pre deployment process was going to be this tough. I can't tell you the last time I truly slept a full seven-eight hours. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night just to touch B to make sure he is still here. That song by Carrie Underwood 'Just a Dream' came on the radio on my way home the other day and I literally felt like someone was sitting on my chest I found it difficult to breath. How the I going to do this? I am having nightmare after nightmare. Were down to 15 days until I have to say goodbye. 15 days..typing this out I feel like I am going to vomit everywhere. The thing is we don't have kids and we are each others everything I don't have a baby, or a toddler, or kid running around to distract me from what is happening. I am stuck in my own head 24-7.

I dread the day I have to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to someone you may never see again? I shouldn't think like that but I do. For those of you amazing wives who have already gone through a deployment I am begging you to please not tell me that the war isn't nearly as bad as it was when YOUR husband went. Its still war, my husband is still fighting.

I'm terrified. I feel incredibly alone and weak. Tensions are so high in our house. It has gotten pushed out so many times that its a shock this day is actually approaching.

As I try to write out a letter to my husband I have typed, erased, cried, typed again and still can't find the words to truly convey how much I love him and how proud I am of him.

Hug the one you love the most.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Its August? really?

It is safe to say I am not ready for next month. Its hard to beleive I will be saying goodbye to my bestfriend, husband, maker of the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, dog discipliner, tummy soother, my personal doctor..going on will make me cry more tears than I promised myself I wouldn't shed today.

He's ready. I'm not. Its been a wake up call this month with him being gone so much doing his actual full time Army job, the lonliness is officially kicking in. Working from home is wonderful don't get me wrong but I feel like I am in a prison..I work from home, I do everything from home. The one place that B and I share the most. This is our home. He came home for literally 48 hours this weekend just to sleep in his own bed and relax before he had to pick up and leave again. It is bright, sunny, and hot outside but I feel so empty. The house is so quiet, I promise you the only that is keeping me going is having the oppurtunity to take photos of beautiful familes, couples, babies, etc.

No one warned me it was going to be this difficult. Don't get me wrong some days I feel like I can do this. One year? psh. I can do that.

I cried. So incrediably hard my poor husband doesnt handle tears well he's trained to push harder when tears come so he just stares at me. I cried for all the date nights we'll miss, I cried because I can't imagine doing everything without him. Some of you may be thinking why don't you just think of the positive things? Listen..I am having a negative day so I am going to be negative. Tomorrow will be better it always is. I'm allowed to have one day a week to be a complete and utter mess about this. At least that is what I am allowing myself to day.

Our basement flooded I am talking gave flooding a whole new meaning. Long story short there was a hole in the backyard from the previous owners and with the amount of rain we have had lately the whole got bigger, and bigger oh yeah and the puppy I have running around who loves to dig. That hole created a wall in my basement to cave in..causing dirt, water, and gunk to form on the basement floor. Of course B is gone. I literally walked down into the basement, opened the door looked, and turned right back around. No gasp, no "OMG", nothing.

It sucks being the husband and wife. Really, really sucks. Go hug your husband. Tell him how much you love him, and how much you appreciate everything he does.

I wish I could leave this house somedays..everything has B written all over it. From the flag on the outside of the house, to every.single.picture with him in it.

Deployments suck. Pre-deployment training sucks. Being lonley sucks.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Welcome back

Okay..I haven't blogged in way to long.

Lets bullet style this baby:

  • Remember when I started posting pictures of silly objects? well the silly objects turned into my neighbors kids, than another little girl, than the little girls family, I am suddenly busy every Saturday and Sunday and some days during the week. I will say I was pretty hesitent towards doing 'photography' at first simply because I felt that I was lying to I really that good. I know I have a lot of work to do, and even more to learn but so far I am happy to report that I am making some nice cash and feeling really good about the photos I give my 'clients'

  • I say 'photography' and 'clients' lightly simply because I don't feel that I am a professional. I have flaws in my planning, my timing, and the way I opertate somethings but I am learning to just roll with it.

  • I am sad to say that I had a little bit of a breakdown when I found that there was nasty things being said about my say "photography" I am a huge fan of a lot of peoples work and look up to them in a lot of aspects. In fact when I first got my camera I was more than willing to let others teach me how to operate this thing. I'm happy to say that I have taught myself everything I know. Reading nasty comments about how you can't just pick up a camera and suddenly be a photographer really hurt my feelings and I hate to admit I put my beloved camera back in its case and didn't want anything to do with it. Luckily, I woke up the next morning and discovered that I was bigger than that and I deserve to be good at something to. Facebook comments, and status' really suck sometimes.

- enough about that. were back on the 'photography' train and I am happy about it.

  • Remeber that whole baby making issue? well we are still having it. It hasn't been the main discussion in every single thing in my life and I couldn't be happier. We are still trying, and i'm still peeing on ovulation sticks, and circling days on the calender but it hasn't been my every waking thought. Awesome, right?

- On this note, I would just like to one more time say how lucky a lot of women should feel to be able to have babies and get pregnant without even thinking about it. Seriously, thank your lucky stars. There is a a lot of us who would kill to wake up in the middle of the night, be nauseas all day long, etc.

  • The husband and I are wonderful seems like ever since we got home from Disney we are a whole different couple. I truly love that man with everything in me, I love the people we have become and espacially the womene I have become because of him. It feels like yesterday that I was moving out and moving into my own apartment ready to start this single, indepentant life..luckily Bobby swung his head back around and stuck around ;) now I am a house wife I never thought I could be..I mean really, I can cook? really good meals? where did this come from?

  • Ew, the deployment. Its coming way soonier than I want it to. We say goodbye in September. I started helping the FRG and I think it is so good for me. I'm planning the family picnic along with a few wonderful ladies..were going to blow it out of the park!

  • We are leaving for Mackinaw on Tuesday. Our last family vacation, which I am sure will be bittersweet on the way home. I still can't beleive I have to survive a year without Bobby..

I'm feeling good, were doing good. I can honestly say that as rough and trying the last year has been I can finally see that everything is happening for a reason. You all know how not religous I am but I am seeing that there is a bigger plan for us..weird.

Friday, June 10, 2011


WOW! I haven't updated this thing in forever..sorry everyone who does read this. I would love to say I have been busy and haven't had a second to blog but...I haven't been that busy. Were bullet pointing this post today!

  • Our propane tank got 'locked'. Intresting story; when we got it filled last I never received a bill from them struck me as odd but being the irresponsible person I am I never paid it..well they didn't care how they got to my back yard (which is fenced off with a fence you can't exactly hop over) they were locking my tank. Needless to say we got the situation all figured out and we can now cook and if needed turn our heat on.

  • My dryer is completley 100% broken. Don't ask me how but it just won't do anything. Awesome. I just bought a new washer! I should have just bought them both at the same time. Thankfully I have awesome parents who are on vacation this week and I will be taking over their laundry room. Until I feel I can't take it anymore and go drop $500 on a new dryer. Ick.

  • I AM WORKING FROM HOME three days a week :) and I couldn't be happier! Transcriptiatons despertly need to be done at our office so I get to save gas, not force my dogs to be locked up all day, and finally have a clean house again. All is well (in that department atleast)

  • I have been using my camera more and more and getting paid for it! Not a lot but enough to collect and pay off some bills. I look forward to shooting more and more.

  • Husband is doing great getting super buff. ;) We both have great tans going and it definitly helps boost the mood I have been in lately. With the pollen literally laying on every inch of the world I feel like my eyes are going to pop right out if I itch them anymore and my heart might just stop if I continue this sneeze act I have going on. Add on the ridculous amount of money we are spending to fix things that keep breaking i'm glad I have a good tan to look at to make me feel better!

Heres my NEW website...check it out :)

Monday, May 23, 2011

Staying positive

Dear Lord,
Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me. Give me understanding that I may know when duty calls him he must go. Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away.When he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. When duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield. And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong.