Four

This miscarriage killed us. Bobby and I are so mad at the world right now that its hard for us to even look at each other. We used to talk about what we would do with our kids. Example; we watch bones every night and there was someone on there named 'Dicky' (input immature giggle) I made the mistake of almost saying I would never nickname our chi-...Luckily, the surrond sound was on and he tends to get really into the show so I don't think he heard me.

Three babies..gone, I never got a chance to even meet them. I never used to think about them all that much. (I don't care who you are; if you haven't lost a child you don't know what I am talking about..I also don't care how far along you are. You ARE pregnant and there IS something growing inside of you. So 5 weeks, or 36 weeks..I don't want to hear it.) Last night I had an awful dream..I fell asleep thinking about our first miscarriage and what we went through. I kept thinking that I was laying on the couch just bleeding and 'contracting' and then I ran to the bathroom because I couldn't stand to lay there anymore. When I got up from the toliet I looked at saw..well I won't go into that. It was the worst feeling and I just sank down and cried, and cried for hours. I locked myself in the bathroom because I didn't want Bobby to comfort me. Since that day I don't think either one of us has been the same.

I am challenging myself to get a hobby because I can't keep doing this to myself. I haven't thought about Bobby's deployment in a few days..which is a big step. That is why you will be seeing all sorts of photographic stuff.

Sorry about the depressing, TMI post.