I haven't blogged in awhile..frankly because I am irritated with the world. I knocked a few people off my blog list, and made this thing private. I can't read about people being pregnant anymore it is killing me. We are at a complete hault with all of this infertility crap. My body just won't have a cycle and I am on this medication that makes me sicker than a dog and I have lost all since of an appetite. In the last three weeks I have lost 5 pounds..not normal for someone who isn't even trying to lose weight. I'm exhausted, I have no motivation to do anything. Work is an obstacle lately. I'm bored with everything, I don't know what the hell I want to do with anything anymore. Not to mention, the all dreaded deployment is creeping. I was getting together schedules this afternoon and Bobby is gone...at least two weeks out of every month until July. He's working out every night until about 8pm..I KNOW he has to work out but by the time he gets home he's exhausted and ready for bed. Leaving me with about 35 minutes of his time and that's me sitting in the bathroom talking to him while he showers, or laying in bed hoping he is still awake hearing me. I have the worst stomach aches in the world and honestly I am at the end of my rope with it. I feel like someone with extremely long acrylic nails is opening me up, and twisting my insides and then slowly letting them loose, and then doing it again 20 minutes later.
I got my cards read on Sunday and I cried because of how right she was. The notes that were taken during my reading were very interesting i'll bullet point a few.
- money conscious, learning to take risks.
- dreamer look to future
- priorities together
- unsure about home
- on guard anti-social
- medical matters
- needs of a child, feeling overwhelmed
- learning about marriage
in a nutshell there was a lot of baby talk and a lot of marriage talk. I got really emotional with the baby comments. I'm learning that I need to just let it go. The one thing this women did say that not only frightened me but made me happy was that our first baby we lost would be coming back within the next three months..freaky? She said a few things about a legal/medical issue that will be dealt with soon. I'm thinking its the DNC that I should have had but the OB I was going to didn't seem to care enough to give me one.I need to chill out and not feel like a failure. Easier said than done. Unfortunately we won't know anything until I have a period, and then getting an HSG test done. On that note, I am tired of waiting...that's all we do..take this pill and wait, take this vitamin and wait, go get your blood drawn, take this test, do this, and wait. Catch my drift?
Bobby and I went away two weekends ago and had such a wonderful weekend. We stayed in Traverse for a night and had the most amazing view of Traverse Bay. It was something we really needed to do. It brought us back to a good spot. I don't care how many years you have been married I think all couples need some time away just you two to get back to being one. I think we sometime lose sight of that.
I have found that a lot of people I haven't talked to in years are reaching out to me about this baby issue. I really, really appreciate the thoughts and concerns.
We've had some new and old friends come in and out of our lives. About a year ago when I was working at the credit union I was training with someone who at the time I didn't think would have such a big impact on me. We joke that we were separated at birth..because we are the exact same person. She is a wonderful mother to a beautiful baby girl. Shes been through hell and back but you would never know. The one thing that I love about Kailtynn is that she never says she is sorry for what's happened to Bobby and I, she doesn't tell me to be patient, nor does she ever tell me that I don't want kids once I have been around a screaming baby. She loves my dogs and my cats, and has a secret crush on my hunky husband. As far as the old friends go..I made a personal choice that I didn't like the things that were said and done..and strings were cut.
A good family friend has a baby this week. Baby Laenie is adorable and I can't get enough of that little girl.
Do me a favor and cross your fingers that things start to move faster. I can't take the wait anymore. Oh, did I mention this physic lady told me there would be three kids in this family..possiably twins?
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