Staying positive

Dear Lord,
Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me. Give me understanding that I may know when duty calls him he must go. Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away.When he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. When duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield. And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong.
Amen.

Terriable, horriable, no good, very bad day

I can honestly say I haven't felt this down in a very long time. Ever since the pre-deployment seminar I have tried to busy myself thinking that this deployment is not really happening. Well folks, it is and I am not as ready as I thought I was. How you ask I figured out that I'm not ready?
Well..Bobby is in GRAYLING, MICHIGAN yes he is still in Michigan and I have had nothing but sleepless nights and tearful days. I can not tell you why I am like this and I don't like it one bit. Yesterday I had one of the worst days I have had in awhile. One of those days where anything and everything could go wrong. From the moment I woke up till the moment I went to bed I was nothing but a pouty lip and sad, sad eyes. I think a lot of this has to do with not talking to Bobby as much during the day or night for that matter. I forget sometimes that as tough as I want to be, I'm not. He truly is my best friend and a huge importance in my life and not having him there to tell me my bad day is just a day and it will get better was really emotionally draining.
Of course we have all had bad days before so you'll understand what I mean when I say that the littlest thing was a huge production..I was blaming myself for everything and bringing up the all dreaded miscarriages and crying about what a failure I am.
I'm still not sleeping very well and my appetite is shot. Who waits till 5 o'clock to eat their first meal? oh yeah me. You know my mind is now jumping back to wow you didn't eat all day and your trying so relgiously to get pregnant. nice. job.
please for the love of everything perfect someone take me out of my own head.

I have my consultation for our AI (artifical insemination) tomorrow afternoon and i'm just not in the mood. I don't want to talk about the second most depressing thing going on in my life.
Am I patethic or what? Don't worry I am making myself gag just by typing this all.

On the one and only upside to this week here is two pictures of two beautiful girls that I call my neighbors. Miss Laila and Miss Alana!

nevermind..blogger doesn't want to post pictures.

Pre-Deployment Seminar

Saturday morning our alarm went off at 4:30am..We drove all the way to Dearborn in our cute matching outfits (yes were that couple) me with a pink and orange dress and the hubs with a orange shirt. so cute. Anyway, I was excited on our way there to find out information about the deployment..boy was I wrong. Everything they discussed was either about kids, being pregnant, or everything that you should already know when you marry into this life. Bobby and I found that we were playing games on the iPad more than listening. The one and oly upside to going was the amount of people I met. I met all of his medics that respect the crap out of him and it was awesome. I didn't have to lift a finger they all did everything for me which was so great!

Drill has taken Bobby away for the week and I have a surprise up my sleeve while he's away! He HATES our bathroom I made the stupid mistake of painting it this dark purple color with glitter and grainte mixers that make the wall bumpy. Now it would look so cute if I would have taken more than an hour to paint it. So I am re-doing our bathroom to a certain extent. Fingers crossed he's pleased..I'll post pictures soon enough.

I am having the hardest time with my memory card in my Rebel. I went to my wonderful neighbors house last week to take newborn pictures for her and they were turning out great..until I got home and plugged them into my computer only to find that my card needed to be formatted and all my pictures were gone? awesome. thankfully 70% of my pictures that were saved to that card were already off of it. Lets hope for the best with this new memory card.

Its the little things

I am trying this new things this week were I actually go to work on time and stay all day long. Weird, huh?
I work in a really nice but quiet doctors office and we sometimes have to many people there and it makes your motivation level drop dramtically. This week we have our two main office admin. women gone and I have been kind of taking over their job plus doing mine which not only makes the day go by 10x faster but makes me feel like I am actually doing something important. Along with that I am hoping to save more money to help towards our infertility savings. With those two things in mind I am hoping for a nice pay check.

Going off of that. Staying at work until 5 causes me not to get home until around 6-6:30 give or take if I have to stop. Bobby has been working his ass off lately between working all day and going to the gym for atleast an hour-two at night. He's beating me home now which not only causes me to feel bad that I

1. haven't made the bed.


2. haven't even thought about dinner.


3. Odie probably made a mess in his crate and Dylan probably made a mess in the house.

all the little things that normally go unnoticed because I already had them done before even got home..aren't done. Tonight he got home atleast three hours before me and I do NOT mind making dinner and running around the house when I get home. Back to the main point of this post. All I wanted to do was watching last nights season finale of Bethenny Ever After and do you know what my wonderful husband did? Let his dinner get cold and made me the best margarita ever.

Maybe that means nothing to anyone else but to me it meant a lot. Its the little things that normal civilan wives take advantage of but for me it was the simpliest thing that made my 13 hour day worth it.

Deployment news!

Lets just say starting this morning off was rough. I didn't want to go back to work Bobby didn't want to go back, the dogs were mad, the cats were mad, my bed was mad that it didn't have me sleeping in it..it was just a mad morning. The harley is SOLD for a few extra hundred dollars that is re-building our savings account from emptying it at Disney.

Anyway, back to the big deployment news!

drum roll please...

HIS DEPLOYMENT GOT PUSHED OUT! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WILL NOT BE LEAVING UNTIL SEPTEMBER! Yes, I am so, so, so, happy. However..like I posted last I said I was kind of ready for this. I am all about beleving in signs and something about this deployment getting pushed out tells me that maybe there IS a baby in our future.

As far as the infertility journey goes...were just waiting. After talking to my thearpist we decided that I need to have a plan with our inf. docs. I'll let you know next week what the plan will be.

Bobby and I have been going back and forth with trying IVF. Thoughts would be nice on that...

I am so excited that I am finding more and more bloggers who are blogging and not posting pictures everywhere. No offense to the beautiful photography that some blogs I follow have but I see happy families with beautiful babies everyday..give me something to read.

On that note...Military spouses out there you ladies are wonderful!

BIG DISNEY POST!

So were home from Disney tan and tired and not ready to end vacation. We were the adults stomping our feet while exiting the park on Thursday night. For the sake of my dedication to my blog I am going to try and recap everything I can remember. Starting with Day one at Disney World!

These pictures are in the wrong order but they all consist of day one/day two (Disney) We flew into Orlando around 1am on Saturday and by the time we got our rental car (waiting in the longest and hottest line) and got to the condo it was around 3am..after Bobby had worked all day and I ran around trying to pack..yes I waited till the day we left to pack. Immediatly we took showers and went to sleep. Saturday we woke up around 11:30 which is SO odd for me tired or not I hate waking up that late I feel like my whole day is wasted than I remembered that I am on vacation and I can do whatever I want.

We lounged around the pool all day and than had a quiet dinner, and stopped at the local VFW (Veterans of Foreign Wars) which of course was full of the cutest elderly couples. We were welcomed and Bobby got his hand shook by everyone in the place so after a few beers we headed home.

DISNEY DISNEY DISNEY! Also known as my BIRTHDAY!

I was up at 4:30am ladies..I have never been so excited. This was my first time at Disney world and my first birthday that Bobby has actually been home to celebrate. I waited until our 7:30 alaram clock went off to jump out of bed and wake Bobby up. Of course this was after I had already showered, gotten dressed, had coffee and breakfest, watched a few info-commercials, and gotten back under the covers so he thought I was sleeping...sneaky much? I rushed Bobby out the door and could barley sit still in the car. I won't bore you with the details of our whole entire 12 hour day at Disney but lets just say I fell asleep the second we hit the car at the end of the night. It was a wonderfu; birthday and nice to celebrate with my best friend at our new favorite place.

Since blogger has decided to not let me upload pictures anymore we will just leave it at we had a wonderful vacation and it brought us back to a happier place where deployments and infertility didn't consume our entire life.

On to the normal life...

I talked to a thearpist the Friday before we left. When my doctor first mentioned it to me I thought no, no, no, no, no thearpists are for people who can't keep their emotions in check. Well, I have become one of those people. When I walked into her office I could barley sit down before I started spilling everything out and it felt wonderful to talk to a middle person who wasn't my husband, who wasn't my mom, who wasn't anyone close to me..just someone who wanted to help me get back to me. I guess I didn't realize what infertility and deployments can do to your mind. I am now talking to her twice a month until Bobby leaves and than we will go to once a week until I'm okay..as I can be.

Speaking of deployments..holy shit its almost July. Were going to a yellow ribbon ceremony this weekend to meet all the families. Frankly, I think i'm ready is that even possiable?

I'm sleeping so deep at night but somehow when I wake up and get my day started I can't wake up..and than by 6-7pm I am exhausted.

On that note, i'm heading to bed.

Happy May everyone!